Things Both Mammoth & Minuscule
It is an irrefutable opinion that the past eleven months have provided a great deal of time for each of us to devote to our own thoughts — how we all chose to do so varies greatly. Some may stew on their personal flaws and holes in their life. ‘Why is my apartment so small? I’m suffocating in here with my three roommates, a galley kitchen, and a downstairs neighbor with a yappy dog.’ ‘Why am I doing this job? Doing it in my apartment 50 hours a week is all the more painful.’ ‘Why don’t I have a significant other to quarantine with? How will I possibly meet someone now?’ Then there are the people that have been observing their flaws and the holes in their life, but have taken advantage of this gift of time to improve their lives. ‘I don’t like the way I look so I’m going to build a home gym and get a six pack this year.’ ‘Urban life isn’t for me anymore, so I’m packing up and headed to the burbs five years earlier than I was expecting.’ I respect the latter half of these people greatly. Others seem to have decided not to stew nor to hone in on their personal problems. Instead, they’ve diverted their attention to an array of new activities and hobbies. I respect this as well. Now is a perfect time to learn to needlepoint and also start a full fledged garden in your half bath off the kitchen. And also learn every Tik Tok dance the moment it goes viral.
While I admit to being guilty of likely all three of the above stereotypes at one point or another over the past year, I personally find myself lost in thought over both life ticket items of the utmost size and the contrasting, ungraspable minutiae of daily life. I don’t feel that I am bellyaching like group one described above. But I also don’t feel like I am making a lot of moves due to thought paralysis. Let me explain.
While the big ticket items take up a lot of my brain space, I think this is extremely common place for everyone this year, especially at my age, 28. Pandemic occurring or not, late 20s is typically a time of huge life milestones, changes, what have you — career pivots, geographical moves, marriages, creation of fetuses. The pandemic threw an enormous meteor sized wrench in the steady progress that most of us were making. For some, that wrench kicked their life into high gear and accelerated that future down the road engagement or marriage or move to the burbs. These are the lucky ones, I think. At least for now. And for others, it launched us into a limbo and state of paralysis that I didn’t even know existed. For that reason, I find myself constantly sitting around thinking, when am I going to see my stuff again? It’s been in a storage unit coming up on year now. Am I ever going back to New York City? Do I want to? How will I live in a NYC apartment again? So little, so few windows. Where else would I live? These questions envelop me on a daily basis. I become so overwhelmed and lost in thought — the fact that I have no clear answers or direction and that I’m apparently incapable of coming up with one — forces me to shut my mind down in fear that otherwise I might collapse mentally or physically. Whatever comes first. It would be a close duel. And so from here, I zero in on the little things and question which of them matter. I wish I came up with an all encompassing answer, but I haven’t. I’ve decided that some of the little things matter. And some of them don’t. This gives me practical things to think through and keep me from swirling in the very hazy big picture. Some of the below might not feel small, but compared to the ‘where am I going in life?’ they feel like snackable issues. A few that matter:
>Eye contact matters. Now that I interact with less people, I find myself noticing when I and other people are using eye contact when they’re speaking.
>It matters to keep and live in a clean space. Make your bed everyday and clean up the eating space after each meal. While a lot of times it doesn’t feel worth it because you’re likely eating a snack in two hours, keep it clean.
>Staying in touch with friends and family over the phone matters. Calling on their birthday. Don’t just post. It can become grueling to continue zooming or calling friends and family instead of seeing in person. Do it anyway. For those you haven’t kept up with, remember that a full year has passed since this all begun. A lot happens in a year.
>Keeping your brain stimulated matters. Don’t become a Netflix robot, even if all you’re watching are documentaries. Read a book. Start a blog…?
>Your finances matter. There will be no other time like this (hopefully) where you are easily able to save so much money. Take advantage of this time and invest.
>Being active matters. I won’t preach much here as I’ve gone through spurts of adhering to this and then stretches where I haven’t. But I’m working on it. (January is cold, it’s hard!)
>Your appearance matters. Use the time to let your skin breathe, do as many face masks as you want, whiten your teeth, use that crazy foot mask.
>Doing things for yourself matters. If you’re fortunate enough to have some spare cash, buy yourself a gift occasionally. Something you usually would never buy or do for yourself. I did that this year and it felt incredibly powerful.
A few things I’ve discovered that can be let go of:
>Your appearance, to a degree. I said above your appearance matters, which it does. But perhaps become more comfortable in your own skin. Do I need to wear full make up every time I go ‘out’? Absolutely not. Be comfortable with your bare self.
>Vices. I’ve recently discovered that some of my ‘vices’ were actually the culprit of my anxiety. It’s about breaking the reflex. Having a glass of wine as an obligatory after a rough day can easily become a crutch and turn into a reflex. If I have a hard work day, that means I get to have wine tonight. In some twisted way, perhaps I wind up getting bent out of shape more often during the work day in order to arrive at the end goal: getting a glass of wine at night. Try to shift your trigger to something positive and infrequent. I’m going out to a nice steak dinner and I haven’t had wine in a week. Sounds like a great opportunity to have wine.
>Feeling obligated to attend social events. I would need the hands and feet of everyone in Peru to count how many times I ‘dropped by’ a party or happy hour that I had no desire to go to in order to ‘show face.’ I think this will likely go by the wayside. Your time is valuable and as we’ve all found this year, there are a myriad ways to spend your time. Spend it in a way that makes you happy and is fulfilling for you.
>Trying to keep up with all of social media and/or the news. Unplugging here and there is the fastest way to improve your mental state.
>Overthinking. It’s been a stressful time to keep up friendships and relationships. Do your part and do your best, but don’t fret constantly trying to figure out if you’re on good terms with everyone.
Lastly, try to let go of the anxiety that shines through with painful brightness when you think about the big picture future. Yes, this is my battle. While it is definitely something I struggle with, I am feeling calmer day over day, usually. With a few outlier exceptions.
If it’s not painfully clear, I am forever lost in thought the past year on things both mammoth and minuscule in size. I’m hoping that writing this all down will make room for new 2021 thoughts and who knows, maybe even plans.
